It Could Have Been Me
by smo12987
Summary: One wolf thinks about what could have been as he veiws the life of our favorite she-wolf.


I loved you.

There was no wrong you could have committed in my eyes. Nothing would make me see anything other than you. The darkness of your hair, the lightness of your eyes, it's all I think about at night. When you laughed it made my heart skip a beat. I know it's corny, but it's the truth. I would walk out of the house and phase and simply stare at your window, wishing you would look at me again. Praying you would love me again.

God, I didn't have a choice in the matter. I couldn't have torn myself away from her even if I had tried. And believe me I tried, it didn't matter that she looks nothing like you, her scent and voice are completely different and yet the pull was too strong. My hands and body would reach for her, yet my heart continues to reach for you.

I'm an idiot. I wish I had taken you and left La Push the moment I knew. Never look back would have been our motto.

But if wishes were horses, even beggars would ride. I'm begging now, begging to Tahi Aki that time could turn back, that you would run and jump in to my arms like you used to all those years ago. Begging that you were mine.

Not his.

At first I thought you joined his pack just to get away from me. I would have changed; I would have done things different to keep you near me always. After the war however, you stayed with him, even though he had that stupid leech child hanging all over him. I couldn't fathom why you chose to stay. Paul said it was to be near Seth, and at first I believed that. What fool I was. Your patrol was spent with your precious Alpha and not with your brother. Jared said it was because you were his Beta, but that was silly, you hated anything to do with pack business.

Then it started happening. Your hair started to grow longer and you were wearing sun dresses again. Someone said they saw you rake the leaves in your yard in nothing but a white nightgown and brown cowgirl boots. I walked over to see why and saw him enter your yard and jump in your pile of leaves. I thought for sure you would have yelled at him, but instead you laughed. Laughed?

I haven't seen you laugh like that since the day I imprinted. You proceeded to giggle then jump in the multicolored leaves with him and roll around as if you were both children. At first I wanted to rip his head off for touching you, but Seth ran out and jumped in. You would never forgive me if he got hurt, so I back away slowly and retreated back to my cottage, back to my wife who wasn't you. I figured nothing would come of it, he would eventually be with his imprint leaving you behind.

The pack meeting is when you told the elders. You stood up proud and demanding as you told them of your relationship. Jacob stood beside you holding your hand.

The hand I used to hold.

You explained to them who you were dating and that he was fighting his imprint for you. We all stood and argued that it was impossible to stray from an imprint and that I was proof of that. You narrowed your eyes and said…

"He's nothing like you."

My heart had screamed in protest. And then I realized as Quil sat there and said Jacob would need heirs, that you couldn't possibly stay with him. Billy sat there silent, as if he knew this was coming the whole time. Sue stood and defended you against Quil and my pack. But while the fighting continued, you and Jacob had eyes only for each other. He smiled and you grinned, knowing this was the reaction you would get and couldn't care in the least. You didn't stand there and ask if you could have a relationship, you explained you already had one.

I left that council fearing for when Renessme Cullen came of age, he would leave you to finally be with her. We all watched in fear of the rejection and what it would do to your heart and soul. But it never came. Renessme grew up. And Jacob was still with you.

She was even a bridesmaid at your wedding. Emily and I sat there in shock. Emily was scared I would fight the imprint. But what she didn't know was that now there was no point, you were gone, taken, chose another to spend your life with. I had to give it to him, he was strong and breaking that imprint had to be the hardest thing ever. But he managed and when I asked him how, he growled at me…

"She was worth it."

I never questioned his love for you again.

Seth fell in love with Renesseme and she in turn couldn't stand to be away from him. Had our senses all mixed up when she would cross the border to be with him.

But you continued to defy fate. On December 9th, Jacob called a meeting with us and the elders. We were concerned about what it could be. The thoughts rushing through Jared and Paul's head were, 'is it the Volturi? Another Victoria? Did the Cullen's finally bite someone?'

There was only one fear running through mine. 'Is finally going to leave her?'

Oh, but I couldn't have been further from the bulls eye even if I tried. Instead it was to deliver blessed news as Billy had put it. Leah was pregnant. My mind raced with, 'that could have been me, and I could be the proud father to be right now.'

But that would never be me, we learned 2 summers ago that Emily had a weak womb; her body wouldn't be able to carry a child. My dreams of being a father were gone and here I am today in the hospital with my wife by my side and blue balloons with a blue teddy bear in my hand waiting to see you. Pretending for just a moment that you're my wife and the little boy in your arms is my son. Then Emily touches my arm and the dream is gone. My face goes soft when I look at her for I care for her deeply, but I know she's not you, and that child is not mine. I feel shame at the thoughts that run through my head, but I can't stop them anymore than I could breath.

Jacob leans over the both of you and kisses your happy tears away and the pushes your hair behind your ear and an endearing manner. My jaw clenches at the sight. You both look down at your new son, the future pack leader, a full blood wolf, the first in La Push history. You look back up at Jacob and we all hear you whisper you love him, he smiles and whispers back before nuzzling you on the side of your neck making you giggle. One happy family.

And I'm one miserable man with one thought running through my head.

It could've been me.

The end


End file.
